Assertiveness

As interns, we don't really get much feedback to let us know how we're going.

Most of the time we are flying blind hoping that we are performing ok (or above average) and I don't know about other 'terns but it makes me feel a tad insecure.

What if I'm really bad and no one is willing to say so? What if I just have no idea and by luck I haven't killed anyone yet?

It would be nice occasionally to be let known just how well (or not well) we are going so we can improve/celebrate/whatever.

Thankfully the nice people who register us as doctors during this year, make us go through the student-like process of getting assessment forms filled in every 5 weeks or so.

These forms are mandatory red pieces of paper designed to make sure we are not gonna end up being a new generation of "Dr Death's". Last term in psychiatry I did pretty well in these assessments (mainly cos if you showed up to work you were doing better than most other psych interns) but I had apprehensions about getting my assessment for my first 'real' term as an intern (especially cos it was a surgical term and surgeons are never known for being nice)

So today I was pulled aside by one of the bosses and set down in a consulting room to 'have a chat' about life/surgery/the-meaning-of-PSAs. I was feeling nervous because out of all my 4 bosses, I knew this one the least and his quiet/reserved demeanour made him a harder surgeon to woo over.

His first question to me was straight to the point. "What career are you interested in J?" Argh! That loaded question! If I say the truth "I wanna be a GP!" then he'll think I'm an idiot and give me a bad assessment cos I don't want to emulate his surgical career and if I lie and say "I too wish to play with pee for the rest of my life!" then he'll start expecting me to show up more to theatre.

I decided that truth is good and lying is not good (esp for Christians) so I told him I was considering GP-land. I braced myself for fire and brimstone and a rogue scalpel aimed at my head but none arrived.

He somehow tried to convince me that GP's need to know lots of Urology and so I should still come to theatre. Phew! Crisis averted!

So we chatted about PR's (sticking fingers up people's buttholes to feel if they have cancer) and whether I was being 'supported' enough by the bosses.

Eventually it came time to fill in the dreaded red form. He ticked straight down the midline ("Consistent/Average for level of experience") and told me that this was as good as he ever gave interns and that often he failed them so I should be very pleased with this. So I was.

He said that my registrar was more than happy with me so far (wish they would say that themselves rather than through the bosses) and that the only thing I need to work on is "being more assertive"

Being more assertive? Apparently I am not kicking enough surgical butt on the ward and this is my downfall. Maybe I really AM caring too much about my patients and keeping good relations with the nursing staff that I am compromising the staunch tradition of abrupt gruff surgical practice.

My boss told me that I am now in the rat race (thanks for pointing that out)... for the first time since high school I am actually competing against other people to get where I want to be. I need to "show how good" I am to impress bosses and "suck up" to them (Seriously... my boss said this!) I gotta sell my wares to those in high places and fight tooth and nail to stab those other 'terns in the back to beat them and get into training places.

I'm so not up for that.

To be honest I'm not a 'career' person. To me, this is a job, not a careeer. I show up, you pay me. I'm not doin it to be a high flying specialist who tops the exams. I'm doin it to make an honest living whilst I help people.

So I find it hard to sit there and be encouraged by my boss (as good-willing as he was about it) to join the petty fights to get to the top when I don't wanna 'go' to the top.

But yeah, I'll have to work on that assertiveness... watch out nurses! Here comes Surgical Dr J!