"Struggling to be human"

Was wandering around the shops the other day when I stumbled across the first season of Grey's Anatomy on DVD. The blurb on the back caught my eye. It described the fresh aspiring interns as 'struggling to be human'.

Very insightful I thought.

Have been noticing that now having survived 6 months as a doctor I have definitely noticed some changes. The way I view the world has been modified to accomodate the all encompassing trade off known as 'internship'.

I find myself more 'blunted' in affect towards people's suffering. Maybe it's a coping mechanism to help one deal with the large volumes of sick and suffering. Maybe it's a laziness on my part to engage with the harsh realities of real human emotions. Maybe part of my humanity is being lost?

I also find myself more frustrated with the inefficiencies of people. Whereas last year I would have tolerated 'suboptimal' ways of doing things; now I cannot accept anything that slows me down. This isn't stemming from a desire to self-promote myself or put others down, but stems from a necessity to be continually striving for more ways to stream my workload in the face of ballooning patient loads. I find myself welling with rage at the nurses, gritting my teeth when slowed down by the black hole of radiology and tearing my hair out (metaphorically haha) when allied health staff put their 2 cents in.

I feel too tired to tolerate. Too exhausted to empathise. Too harassed to be humane.

Is this what medicine is all about? Replacing the human within with a machine that reacts to certain 'problems' and their solutions?

I feel like sometimes I personally cease to exist from Monday to Friday and only really resurrect myself on the weekends. The "Dr" part of Dr J consumes the "J" part of me and I really am just an employee.

What does it mean to be human?