Sometimes love just aint enough...

18 months ago in country far from here...

"On Tuesday night we were taken out for dinner by one of the nurses S. S works with the mountain health teams and visits the mental health patients (especially schizophrenics) to deliver their medications. She really cares a lot about her patients and even bought all 70+ of them Christmas presents (out of her own pocket). She is also very blunt and frank with people (which is extremely rare in Taiwan because of people wanting to preserve 'face') which meant that we all get on really well with her... during the course of the evening, S told us about herself and her family and she has been through some very bad experiences and has had to face some awful things in her life. She told us that she is looking for 'answers' to the questions in life and so we were able to share with her what we believed about Jesus and she wants us to give her a Bible in English so she can read it. She even says she feels like becoming a nun in order to escape for a while and find some meaning/answers in life. As we talked she even told us about how she has had to forgive certain people in her life and the way she talked sounded like the way that Christian's talk. She is so close to the truth and it's really sad that we have to leave next week, because there is much more we could have said. We are going to invite her over for dinner next week before we leave and I would ask you to pray for her. I think God is working in her life and I pray that she will soon come to know Jesus."

It would be a year before we met each other face to face again. In between we emailed, we phoned and we used the ever-popular MSN to keep involved in each other's lives.

12 months later I went back to spend a week with her and to see the sights. Since then she had become a Christian, moved to another city and I had just finished my final med school exams.
We had some in depth discussions about love, life and God and parted sadly with a deeper friendship.

In the past 6 months since then, S and I have been regularly emailing each other about all matters pertaining to life. It so happened that her holidays fell at exactly the same time as mine and so with a bit of planning she arrived at Sydney International Airport last week with a beaming smile on her face and so begins this story.

When I first met S 18 months ago, her first words to me were:

"I hate doctors!"

And thus began a truly unique friendship.

You see, very rarely do a find someone who is willing to be 100% open and honest with me... we all like to hide behind our defence mechanisms and not allow the 'other' person into our lives. It's the way we learn to protect our fragile self-esteem from being trampled upon by the ruthless world.

But not S. She openly shared her life with me and told me what she thought on all sorts of topics. And I soon warmed to her and told her about my life and hopes and dreams. And so this week we finally sat down at my favourite bubble tea dining spot to talk about 'us'.

When I first met her, she wasn't a Christian and so not on my list of potential girls to consider asking out. However God works in mysterious ways and soon my only objection to this girl disappeared. It seemed to easy.

We talked about my plans/goals for the future and what hers were. We talked about our feelings for each other. We talked about the possiblities. We both said we would think about it.

So over the last few days I have been sleeping less and worrying/stressing/praying/ranting more than usual.

On the one hand I have this gorgeous girl who I like (and who likes me back!!). She's funny, honest, has similar goals in life and I think is quite attractive.

On the other hand, she lives in another country (although one I have been considering as a potential place to live in future years), speaks a different language and is 5 years older than me.

One part of me says "J, go for it! She'd be great for you and any differences can be worked through" whilst another part of me says "J what are you doing? Even if she does like you and vice versa, she speaks a different language. No matter how much you try, you'll never be able to communicate with her the way you want to."

What to do? What to do?

Well last night I told S that although I'm crazy about her and care very deeply for her (research girl and pharm chick are but trivial jokes at work to keep me from going insane), we cannot be together.

Today's society would tell you that if you're 'in love' then you should stuff the realities of life and make it work. But sometimes love just aint enough.

Sometimes despite the best of intentions, life's obstacles are too insurmountable. Just because I can, doesn't mean I should.

To be honest I feel so awful inside right now. I've deeply hurt a girl whose only crime was to actually care about me. I've thrown away a chance at getting to know a potentially amazing girlfriend.

Growing up I would despise men who did things like this to girls. I alwasy promised myself I'd try my hardest to not hurt a girl. And until now I've been content to cop my share of the pain and tried not to deal out any myself. But today I've failed my own standards.

Relationships in this world are frustrated and frustrating. We hurt people and get hurt in the process.

I need a 'physician' for this 'sickness'...

* Yes this is Dr J of KEC fame.
** Research girl alas is not Asian in extraction and therefore didn't really stand a chance because I have what my friends would like to call Yellow Fever or AF (Asian fetish) because I am an Egg (white on outside yellow on inside) and find oriental girls far more likeable than their caucasian counterparts.