Universal Consult Request Form

Dear Registrar-on-call-for-consults-today,

You may not know who I am, but I unfortunately kow who you are. I am the intern for Dr A who has requested that your boss, Dr B come and 'offer their opinion' and 'assist with management'.

I know that as a registrar you get many stupid phone calls a day from interns such as myself asking you to drag your sorry bottom up one level (there are lifts if you're that unfit) to see our patients. I know that we have not investigated our patients as well as you would like us to have. That, my dear doctor, is why we are asking your assitance. If we KNEW what to do, we would have done it already.

I realise that having me page you is as annoying as when I get paged by stupid nurses asking me to chart a 'bottle of whiskey" on my overtime shifts. I realise that you probably have more important things to do with your life. However it's a two way street; just as you direct your intern to get us to see your patients, likewise you must come see ours.

Please try to remember as I fumble through my history that I am not psychcic and cannot remember every little detail of the patient's social situation. Please remember that it was my registrar or consultant who asked for the consult, not me. If I had my way, I'd never bother you and sort out all my patient's problems with a good old placebo, but unfortunately my bosses think otherwise at the moment and have not been convinced of this approach.

Please do not try to patronise me over the phone by implying (or just outright stating) that this consult is of questionable quality. I am quite aware of this and can think if a hundred more pleasant things to do than convince you that this reallyIS important (number 87 on that list would be "Sell ice to Eskimos"). In fact, don't try to educate me over the phone as if that will reduce the number of consults I give you. Unless you call my boss directly and educate him, the consults are gonna keep coming. Therefore when I call again next week with the same easily solved problem, please do not tell me off. I know it's a stupid request and have told my boss what to do, but they somehow feel a consult written will hold up better in court if something goes wrong than taking at face value the orations of their intern.

Then if you finally do see my pateint, please bear in mind I don't have all day to order another $1000 of tests in order to placate your fury at being asked to see more people. I know this trick too well for it to be of any use on me. I use the same tactic on nurses when the hassle me about 'falls' ("full neuro obs half hourly thanks!)" Please have mercy on us poor interns I beseech you! You were once in our shoes, you know what it is like. It's not like we are uneduacted nurses requesting things that are completely unreasonable now are we?

Thankyou for taking the time out to listen to the humble cries of us junior medical staff.

Yours sincerely,

Dr J

PS All the best with your exams!
PSS Will you take over care of this patient?